pain.

today i was inspired. by "power90X" a new program... 90 days to a fitter, better you.
my brother in law may have his copy from last summer. so i figured... "what the heck, how about a mile run, and then walk back..."

that was an hour ago. a 10 minute mile... and a 40 minute walk back... and a HOT 15 minute shower. i am an idiot. i think i may be in the worse shape in my life--no kidding. it kinda serves as a good analogy of my spiritual and emotional (and also mental) life as well. i was doing some great exercise... and plateaued (after marriage, and seminary, and then india, and 2 years at valley). many can explain away differences as growth. i fell into that lie also. the muscle that was in my biceps and triceps is 1/2 of what it was 8 years ago... but it only seems 10% less (or so i tell myself that).. i will make friends along the way of course (i tell myself).... i am studying for worship on sundays and wednesday nights so i am in the word... i will start exercising after a senior minister arrives... and so the justification, ignorance, listlessness and dead man of old rear up again....

boy was i in pain today. i don't know if i have a pinched nerve or if it was a back spams (note: not spasms plural, but one solid, rock hard, spasm for 30 minutes). i was so close to just hitchin' it for 1/2 mile home... and for some reason i was listening to the "firside" songs on my iPOD. "we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed" "I press on.." etc. as if i needed a reminder of stupidity and that is isolates us to were the Lord cares the most for us, and chuckles at us, and comforts us, and (in reality) DOESN'T stop the spam(s). doesn't stop the pain. doesn't water down the shame...

... but also doesn't leave either. i knew he was there, with me, and that the Holy Spirit was gettin his fill of "groans" that words cannot describe in order to intercess with.

there are many reasons for this change in our life... but there is a shame also. a shame of puting myself out there, squeezing the most out of me. and not really making me a priority. how easily my "days away" during my first year became a dreaming day with looney, lunch with friends and catching up in the afternoon. how easily one can sleep in till 8pm, 9pm and come into work after a shower having not read for himself, written encouraging emails, prayers and sharing the morning with his life partners...

how easily we are emotionally, spiritually, physically and pyschologically unplugging ourselves to whatever "reality show" is in our path (weather TV, or a friends life, etc). instead of striving for more, we are content to watch the lives of others on TV with a bowl of pop corn in one hand and ice cream in the other.

so, no big fireworks. no declarations of war. i am in a low spot, not depressed, but empty and in need of refueling. and i find that i am as dependent on Jesus for this living water as i was for the water of renewal in the beginning. and i say, i believe lord... help me with my unbelief.

... oh the freedom to be able to say that to the maker of heaven and earth, and not cower in the corner in fear of his temper, his angst, his wrath. i think that honesty in the King's throne room only serves to underscore the confidence of one's relationship with the king.

it maybe painful, but he is still at my side, and calls me to his side, calls me by name.... i know of no other feeling as pure, sweet and innocent. freedom.

perhaps pain is the cobblestone road that leads to the rusty old cast iron gate of freedom. few are they that can walk with this pain.. few are they with the energy to swing open the gate...but what a smell, what perfect grass, what peaceful sounds...

.. what freedom.